Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconmarashete: More from Marashete


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
July 2, 2012
File Size
681 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
133
Favourites
10 (who?)
Comments
0
Downloads
6
×
I have a spiderweb splinter of a headache dilating my left eye;
it travels down my neck, stopping to rotate a firm
diamond of pain just beneath my earlobe.
It tightens in my shoulders, clawing and groaning past my scapula.
Here, I consist of all sharp angles and jagged edges
It clambers down the twelve stairs of my right ribs,
Perhaps it houses itself in my gut, waiting for the right moment
to spring and knead itself into my temples.
You've had to learn from my pain that  I am not soft enough to hold
but once I've caught I'm permanent.
Migraines are hell.
I do not currently have one but my head is killllllling me. Sound and light and feeling and bleh.
I just can't right now.
:iconmr-timeshadow:
This one took a couple of days to settle on; that is, I wasn't even sure I could critique it. You employ a style so strange and distinct that it's hard to say "This is a mistake" instead of "This is avant-garde"...or vice-versus.
I'll give it a try, if only because I used to suffer terrible migraines and I know the sensation all too well.
"spiderweb splinter" in the first line epitomizes the problem. It's an odd mixed metaphor -- that precisely describes what the pain feels like. A migraine gets under your skin like a splinter, and, also like a splinter, removing it from your flesh can hurt worse than the problem itself. So: it works perfectly unless it doesn't.
I have no such qualms about "diamond of pain", which describes it in potent, visceral fashion. It also works well with "splinter", which makes the spiderweb the odd man out...so far.
Line 4 is damn right! "clawing and groaning" indeed!
Oooh, "twelve stairs of my right ribs" is also a potent line and I've never seen this metaphor in my entire life.
Line 7 seems a little wordy, although the underlying point is fine. Something like...hmm..."Perhaps it houses..." might work without losing your point.
The final two lines are the weak point. I couldn't figure out what you meant. Well, okay, the penultimate is clear enough, but the continuation feels like it's missing a word or two. "Caught" what? Not sure, really. Did I miss something? I'm sincerely confused.
Sorry to beat up on you ;) but I found this spoke to me too well to miss; it demanded critiquing, even though it was so individual that I sometimes lost my way. More often than not, though, this flirted with genius. Heck, they had dinner and a nightcap and drew the drapes...
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment: